Psychologist Gordon Neufeld decries the rise of permissiveness.

CREDIT: DAVE SIDAWAY, THE GAZETTE

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Our girls want to dress like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Our boys' role models are foul-mouthed rap artists. Few of our children seem to be able to concentrate longer than the duration of a video game.

Rather than roll our eyes and say it's just kids being kids, Vancouver psychologist Gordon Neufeld believes it's time for parents to step back in and reclaim the central role in their children's lives.

His advice might sound old-fashioned, but parents are clamouring to hear more of it. Released last month, Neufeld's book, Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter (Alfred A. Knopf, 332 pages), co-written with Vancouver doctor and author Gabor Maté, is quickly becoming a national bestseller.

In the book, Neufeld decries the rise of permissiveness, arguing that today's youngsters are too influenced by their peers. Neufeld, who was in town last month to address local educators and to promote the book, believes parenting experts have focused too much on changing children's behaviour or improving parenting skills.

"Instead, we have to put that energy into the relationship," he said. Neufeld says his book has been incubating for the last decade. It grew out of his research into what psychologists call "attachment theory" as well as his own parenting experience. In the mid-'80s, when Neufeld's eldest daughters with whom he had been very close, became teens, they began distancing themselves from him. "That's when I realized pushing away from parents was an epidemic."

Neufeld's solution - and the one he proposes to other parents - was to strengthen the bond between himself and his daughters. Parents, he writes, need to focus on "who they need to be for their children."

Today's teens rely on peers for approval and advice. But, Neufeld warns, peers cannot provide the mature guidance parents can offer. He believes most of the problems that ail today's youngsters - poor academic performance, aggression, drug and alcohol abuse, and precocious sexuality - can be traced to the influence of peers.

In his book, Neufeld emphasizes the importance of "collecting" our children. When they are little, this can mean picking them up from school or connecting with them at the end of the day.

But Neufeld says even teens need this kind of focused attention. He's a great fan of the sit-down family meal - a ritual becoming extinct for many North Americans. He also advises parents of teens to engage in at least one structured activity weekly with their children.

Neufeld acknowledges that modern parents, especially those working outside the home, can't do it all alone. He believes children need to be raised in what he calls "a village of attachment." He advises parents to connect with caregivers and teachers in order to create what he describes as an "attachment relay team."

But are adult-oriented kids - the kind Neufeld would like to see more of - lonely nerds? "A bit," Neufeld admits. "Adult-oriented kids look less cool than peer-oriented kids. But in the end, they are better able to relate to others and to integrate into mainstream society."

No one is more surprised than Neufeld by the fuss. "I suppose it's a parched earth kind of thing. We've gotten so far away from something we all know to be true: it's the relationship that counts," he said.

Ironically, Neufeld doesn't think much of self-help parenting books. In his own book, he writes, "One must not parent a child from a book - not even this one!" What he hopes instead, is that parents will rethink the role they play in their children's lives.